my new agreements
what i’m learning, loving, and letting go.
I’ll admit it—i’ve been quiet for a while. But sometimes, the best stories come from the silent seasons.
During this quiet time, I found myself immersed in a constant stream of media consumption. While it has been a great way to fill the quiet, it came with its downsides—information overload, distraction, and a sense of detachment. Amidst all of this, was a recommendation that I couldn’t ignore.
Again and again, TikTok’s algorithm brought me reviews of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. With the slump I’ve been in, I’ve been so hesitant to read anything, especially non-fiction. But, it felt as if the universe was nudging me to pick it up, and eventually, I gave in. Little did I know that this book would become a watershed moment, leaving me a different perspective on my life.
It’s been a long time since I read anything that called me out as much as this book did. As I read, I realised it was exactly what I needed to hear; the prompts to reflect on my own life, habits, and beliefs.
We are born with the capacity to learn how to dream, and the humans who live before us teach us how to dream the way society dreams.
Before the agreements, let’s talk about dreams, and the domestication of humans. I’ve always understood that we’re made from society’s impact. We do things “as usual” and teach our children to do things by y the same way, and they pass it to their generations as well. Yet, I only realised how deeply rooted the impact of this action is. Because we never had the opportunity to choose what to believe and what not to, we’re stuck with the choices others have made for us. Because we never had the chance to choose our names, we’re stuck with the names chosen for us. Still, we agreed with these things, then began to believe it.
We’re trained the same way dogs are trained, and through this domestication, we let society’s dream to transform our whole belief system. At home, church, school, from television, we’re taught how to live and what kind of behaviour is acceptable. We’re taught how to be women, men, husbands, wives, children. We’re taught how to sit ‘correctly’, what religions to practice, how to judge others.
Now, because of this domestication, we develop our belief in punishments and rewards; which in turn develops our fear of not getting rewarded. With this fear, we start pretending to be who we’re not, trying to please others because we’re afraid of being rejected. The fear of being rejected then evolves into the fear of not being good enough, leading us to be copies of the society’s beliefs.
Because we’ve agreed to society’s beliefs, we become our own domesticators as we no longer need anyone to domesticate us.
This is where the need to challenge our belief systems come in, because even if we didn’t choose them, we agreed to them.
Coming to the realisation that I’ve been holding on to agreements that weren’t serving me, was daunting. It’s like learning your signature is on a contract you never signed.
These “agreements” are the promises and beliefs we make with ourselves, though shaped by our upbringing, society, and past experiences. They influence how we see the world, how we show up, and even how we treat ourselves.
If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person.
No truer words have been said. Self-abuse usually starts from self-rejection which comes from having an ideal image of perfection that we can never measure up to. These kinds of fear-based agreements give us reason to not accept ourselves and others.
One of my worst qualities is the amount of self-abuse I put myself through. Up until now, I’ve never really placed a finger on where it came from, especially because it’s not something I like to think (or talk) about.
This quiet season has come with a lot of change. A big adjustment has been made to my life, and in the spirit of embracing change, here’s how i’m making changes to my mindset:
1. Being impeccable with my words—especially the ones I tell myself
The first agreement Ruiz talks about is being impeccable with your word, which means speaking with integrity and avoiding self-judgment. The harshest words i’ve ever heard have come from my own inner dialogue. When I make mistakes, bad choices, say the wrong things, and feel down. While reading about this first agreement, I kept flashing back to situations when i’ve uttered unnecessarily unkind words to myself. I realised how internalised these things have eventually become, and they did me more harm than good. So my new agreement is this:
I will speak to myself with kindness and compassion. Instead of tearing myself down for not being “productive enough” or “good enough,” i will focus on words that uplift and empower me.
2. Don’t take anything personally—not even my own doubts
This one hit home for me. It reminded me that nothing others do is because of me; it’s simply a reflection of their own reality. Many times I’ve kept myself from doing the things that mean the most to me because I’m afraid of how others might respond or react to it. I’ve worried about what they might do with it, but whatever it is, it isn’t on me. Sometimes I’m even the “others”. Sometimes, my own doubts get loud enough to stop me from doing the things I want and need to do. So, my second agreement is to stop taking things personally. I’m learning to observe my thoughts without attaching my worth to them, and the goal is to create space between who I am and the fears that try to define me.
3. Don’t make assumptions—about the future or my own capabilities
I saw someone on TikTok talk about a habit that i’ve chosen to emulate myself.
Every morning, write about the best case scenario for your day.
In the comments of this TikTok, someone said it takes the exact amount of effort to think about the worst case scenario, rather than the best. And honestly, that is so true.
I’ve often found myself assuming the worst, especially when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone. But what if, instead of assuming failure, I made space for possibility?
Because as I continue to assume the worst, the worst continues to get the best of me. So rather than let myself keep “what if-ing” myself to failure, my third agreement is to challenge my assumptions, especially the ones that limit my potential. This means asking more questions, being curious, and trusting that things can turn out better than I expect.
4. Always do my best—but redefine what “best” means
This one felt like permission to breathe. I’ve learnt the hard way that “doing your best” doesn’t mean perfection; it means showing up as you are, with whatever you have to give at that moment. My own version of “doing my best” includes rest, grace, and letting go of unrealistic standards. It’s about embracing progress over perfection and honouring where I am in the process.
The only reason you suffer is because you choose to suffer.
And another person on TikTok said, “if you’re not changing something, then you’re choosing it.”
I’ve chosen to change these things because I refuse to choose the life I’m living right now. There’s much better out there for us, and to reach for the best, we have to get ourselves to be better.
lulu’s recs for the week
A few things to check out in your free time 👀
To read
I turn 27 today, and I’ve forgotten how to live: I think this article is an interesting read because it highlights life with and without an identity.
make more, care less: As an avid over-thinker, this article felt like a letter to me. This is an important read for everyone, especially creatives, because it’s full of the reminders we all deserve to hear.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus
To watch
Mrs Harris goes to Paris: This was such a heartfelt watch, and oh the joy it brought me! Ada Harris is widowed cleaning lady who was captivated by a Dior dress, and she sets out on an unexpected trip to Paris to make her dream a reality. What makes this movie so special to me is how it celebrates resilience, and the beauty of ordinary people pursuing extraordinary goals.
Eat, pray, love: Asides Julia Roberts being the star of the show, the best part of this movie is how it portrays identity, healing, and man’s search for meaning. It’s about Liz, whose seemingly perfect life is leaving her unfulfilled.
To listen
We’re sorry we messed up: Navigating mistakes, anxiety & burnout: To my sisters is one of my favourite podcasts because the discussions always hit very close to home.
Wishing you the best week and month ahead!
Love, Lu.